Confessions of a Grumpy, Tarnished Woman


I blew it this week.  I let my grumpy-middle-aged-stuck-in-the-mud-stressed persona shine through.  As I study the Advent each morning, I pray that the beautiful words of the prophets and psalmist will calm my soul and prepare me for a day of dealing with squirrels students.

The cold and darkness linger later each morning and press in sooner each evening, leaving me feeling harried, as if the alloted time in each day had somehow shrunk along with the hours of sunlight (I’m so glad I don’t live in Alaska!).

By mid afternoon, when the faculty meets for worship and staff meeting, restless students, frantic phone calls, myriad questions, complaints and groans of protestations have scuffed up the memory of my quiet moments with Jesus in the morning.

I forget to breathe, to rest my frustrations on the firm shoulders of Immanuel–God with us.  And so I prove, once again, how utterly human I am.  I snap and grouch and hurt a dear colleague’s feelings with my careless words.  I fail to reflect the grace and love of God. I feel tarnished and badly in need of a nap, a hug, and a shiny, grace-reflecting surface.

My stubborn head resists admitting that I acted wrongly, though my grieving heart knows I did.  And I have learned (not an easy lesson), that the path to tarnish removal lies in humility and seeking reconciliation and forgiveness.

I apologize first through e-mail (I have a chicken heart), and the conversation continues through text messages.  Finally, as the sunset turns the horizon radioactive red and orange and pink, I see the one who I have hurt. We chat about other things, and I finally move to go, but end up grabbing her in a bear hug instead.  She hugs me back and I feel restored.

Through forgiveness and reconciliation I once again feel shiny & able to reflect my Savior's love. Click To Tweet

What about you? Do you struggle to seek forgiveness, too?