Eleven Ways to Make Sure Your Houseguests Don’t Feel Welcome


It’s that time of the week again–when brave bloggers join together for a twitter party (#fmfparty), laughter (well the LOL sort), and a challenge from Kate Motaung (our hostess) to write for five minutes on her brainchild prompt.  Sometimes, the prompts stir profound thoughts in my soul, and I rush to order them into some sort of eloquence in my allotted five minutes.  Sometimes…well, sometimes satire comes out.  Like tonight. So enjoy, my friends!

1. Make sure you won’t be home when they arrive. Act surprised when they call or text you asking about your time of return.
2. Don’t bother asking about their dietary preferences or restrictions. After all, it’s too much work to prepare special meals.
3. Sleep in until noon each day.
4. Serve only one meal a day and feel offended if your guests slink away to the local market to supplement your offerings.
5. Plan activities without consulting your guests.
6. Schedule doctor’s appointments during their visit.
7. Make sure they know your home is a show place and that nothing should be touched, moved or dirtied.
8. Assume they’ll bring their own blankets and bedding.
9. Argue with your spouse in front of your guests.
10. Accuse your guests’ children of being too noisy.
11. Make sure they know how much extra work having guests really is.

What about you?  Have anything to add to the list?

Anita currently teaches English to 7th-12th graders. She describes herself as a ‘recovering cancer caregiver’ who gives thanks daily that her husband has been cancer-free for ten years.

Please note: We reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • FUN!! Loved your satire!!! What ways to make them feel unwelcome…yep! I do believe these would definitely…thanks for sharing a bit of humor in the new year! Happy to be back with FMF! (I don’t twitter, so linking up here).
    Barbara recently posted…Five Minute Friday: WelcomeMy Profile

  • FUN!! Loved your satire!!! What ways to make them feel unwelcome…yep! I do believe these would definitely…thanks for sharing a bit of humor in the new year! Happy to be back with FMF! (I don’t twitter, so linking up here in comments).
    Barbara recently posted…Five Minute Friday: WelcomeMy Profile

    • I’m glad you’re back! Did you have a wonderful vacation?

  • Nice list! I’ve got to try some of those…

    One way to make someone feel unwelcome is through the use of “special chairs” for them, on which the front legs are slightly shortened so the occupant is always sliding forward.

    Works well to limit the duration of faculty meetings, too.

    Seriously, when someone accepts an invitation, I see it as an honour; they could go somewhere else, but chose me.
    Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Welcoming a Combat Veteran Home – Five Minute FridayMy Profile

    • Now I’m really intrigued about the special chair concept for faculty meetings–sounds perfect to me! And you’re right. It is an honor to have guest and I try to do my best to make sure my guest feel honored!

  • LOL – That’s great. The funny thing though, is that I went and stayed with my dad for 3 weeks, and several of those actually applied. How about #12 – Don’t have a bed available for them. Only let them sleep on the couch.

    I love your satire. 🙂
    Melinda recently posted…FMF – WelcomeMy Profile

    • I love your #12 addition! Especially if they have a perfectly good bed or declined your offer to bring an Aerobed! Thanks for stopping by, Melinda!

  • Perfect List! (We always travel with our own blankets and pillows – we are experts after 22 years of living hours away from “home” on how to help make sure those offering hospitality aren’t overwhelmed by us). I could write a list on how to be an imperfect guest! LOL

    • I am now the proud owner of two travel quilts ;). I learned my lesson the hard way! Yeah, I think the reciprocal list is brewing already for the near future. ;).

  • LOL! Number 12 could be: Forget to clean the kitty litter box during their stay. 🙂
    Verona recently posted…Why I Welcome StrangersMy Profile

  • I love this and your creativity! It made me laugh… and think. It’s always fun to visit here. 🙂
    Karen Brown recently posted…WelcomeMy Profile

    • I’m glad I made you laugh! Sometimes, my humor is a little off-beat and people don’t get it ;). It’s good to have friends that do!

  • Oh my, can you imagine being welcomed like this? Awful!

  • Just too fun, Anita!

    I miss Thursday nights, but I’m usually beyond exhausted by 9:45 … maybe some evening I’ll feel a great burst of energy and join the party again!

    Have a cozy weekend, friend.
    Linda@Creekside recently posted…The Creekside 2015 TrailerMy Profile

    • Oh, I’m so lucky that I live towards the west coast–otherwise, I’d be hard-pressed to stay up that late, too ;). Have a wonderful weekend, my friend!

  • Loved the satire! We should have that more often on FMF, hey? 🙂
    Katha recently posted…[Five Minute Friday] WelcomeMy Profile

    • Thank you ;)-it’s fun to be a little different some times!

  • So funny !!!! I love it.
    Amy P Boyd recently posted…You Are Welcome HereMy Profile

  • Along the lines of what Verona said above, “Don’t control your pets. Let them run and climb all over your guests.”

    I especially like the one about making sure they know your home is a show place and nothing is to be disturbed. Lucky for me, my house will NEVER be seen as a show place. Housekeeping isn’t my spiritual gift. 😉

    • Oh, that’s a good one, too, Melissa! There’s nothing like being bowled over by someone’s pet!

  • OH Emmm GEE!! I giggled all through this one…

    I would add to number 6. By making the Doctors’ appointments for them…

    Preferably with a dietician or a personal trainer might be even better. All while concern trolling them about, Well don’t you want to look GOOD and be healthy like me?? Bonus points if you do this while eating chips and remarking how glad you are to be naturally gorgeous unlike some people… LOL!

    Or 12. When they arrive say thank God you are here! Hand them your children and take off for a vacation of your own!

    Excellent blog… Thanks for inspiring me to get my satire juices flowing today… I felt very welcomed… 🙂
    Senam SistaTV Amegashie recently posted…SistaTV Daily Podcast #8. There is a difference…My Profile

    • Bahahaha! You’re too funny :). I like your #12!

  • Tara

    A fun satire piece! Hopefully this is NOT how our homes are. :p

  • Hi Anita!!! This makes me laught!!! Good one… Happy New Year!!!
    Sandra recently posted…WelcomeMy Profile

    • Thanks for stopping by and laughing with me, Sandra!

  • You made me smile, Anita! Thank you. I would add, hang out in your pajamas with a bed-head all day! Have a wonderful weekend, friend!
    Julie Lefebure recently posted…A Healthier YouMy Profile

  • I had tons of company over the Christmas holiday and I am going through your list and checking it twice, did I do any of these? Hahahha . I love it! maybe add: Make a cleaning schedule and put them on it.

  • You make me laugh!! Hilarious!! 😀
    Jen @ Growing in Faith recently posted…Lavender and Sweet Orange Epsom Bath SaltMy Profile

    • Glad I could make you laugh :). I’m sure hospitality in Africa was amazing–it always blows my mind that those who have little are usually more hospitable than those who have plenty.

  • Erin

    Love this! I’m sad I didn’t find it until after 4 unwanted, uninvited houseguests showed up last week. Next time… 🙂

    • ;). Glad I could help for the next event!