Wait (it’s Not Always Easy)

Waiting with hope. It's not easy. http://wp.me/p2UZoK-vN via @blestbutstrest #caregiver
After Pedro’s stem cell transplant, we settled in to wait. Wait for the stem cells to race to repair all that the chemo had killed. Wait for the doctors to discharge Pedro from the hospital. Wait for the release to return home to Montana.

Unfortunately, I had to wait in Bozeman while Pedro waited at his brother’s house, a 90-minute drive from the hospital. The delay frustrated me. I wanted a family reunion and a return to normalcy.

A couple of times a week we would try to talk via the Internet (remember that Skype hadn’t been invented yet, and computers didn’t come with cameras for video conferencing).

Pedro would chat with the girls and I would writhe in frustration at the poor graphics, the frozen images, and the inability to capture the subtle nuances of how he REALLY felt (part of this had nothing to do with technology and everything to do with the slow restoration of the use of the muscles in his face).

Had he gained any weight? Did he have any aches or pains that couldn’t be explained away by everyday occurrences? Had he sniffled? Did he get enough rest? Did his eye close all the way yet? (for months he had to sleep with a plastic guard taped over his eye because his eyelid wouldn’t close fully and caused his eye to dry out).

And the underlying question that picked and poked and nibbled at me all day long—was he still in remission? But, oh, I hoped. I hoped so hard it hurt. I spoke with confidence about the miracle God had performed in our lives—after all, Pedro had circled the drain on two occasions, and even the doctors and nurses agreed that he had experienced a miraculous recovery.

I hoped this reprieve, this miracle, would ‘stick’. That God really did intend to heal Pedro completely, even though I secretly doubted that we ‘deserved’ it. And maybe that was the crux of my worries. The problem that I quailed to ponder. Why? Why a miracle in Pedro’s life while other worthy people lost their battle with cancer?

Perhaps I suffered a bit from survivor’s guilt by proxy (after all, I had certainly suffered from chemo-brain by proxy). And so I waited with hope. I tried to draw near to God and not worry about his plan.

Hope acted as the thread that tethered my scattered thoughts and fears and kept me sane during those days of waiting. I knew that if the transplant failed, God still held me in his hands. We would be ok. I have a hope that burns within my heart of a new heaven and a new earth when God will vanquish all sickness and death. Yes, I had hope for the now and hope for the future.

Have you learned to wait for God? To wait with hope. Hope now and hope for the future. He’s… Click To Tweet

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Anita currently teaches English to 7th-12th graders. She describes herself as a ‘recovering cancer caregiver’ who gives thanks daily that her husband has been cancer-free for ten years.

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  • I have this hope too: “I have a hope that burns within my heart of a new heaven and a new earth when God will vanquish all sickness and death.” I add to the list the daily struggle that pain brings. Thanks for sharing your hope this morning.

    • Amen. I’m sorry you live with pain. I know how joy-sucking and hope-sucking of a companion it can be. May God ease your pain today and bring you hope.
      Anita Ojeda recently posted…WaitMy Profile

  • Thanks for sharing your story this month. It’s hard for so many of us to believe that God could give a gift we don’t deserve or haven’t done anything to earn. To wait with hope – I like thinking of it that way.
    Janice S. recently posted…Day 19: Christ is King over EbolaMy Profile

    • It’s hard to give up the ‘I’ve gotta earn it’ mentality, isn’t it!? But that’s the business God’s in–freely giving.
      Anita Ojeda recently posted…WaitMy Profile

  • Waiting with hope – this is what we’re all doing in this life as we wait for what is to come, but your post was a wonderful reminder!
    Lisa/SyncopatedMama recently posted…31 Days of Great Children’s Music: Picnic PlaygroundMy Profile

    • Thanks for stopping by, Lisa! I love living with hope. It makes the incomprehensible a lot easier to live with.
      Anita Ojeda recently posted…WaitMy Profile

  • I think that having hope for the NOW is a lot harder than having hope for the future. Maybe that’s because the now is the mountain looming in front of me.
    Melissa recently posted…Sharing the Love – 31 DaysMy Profile

    • May you feel God’s presence as you live out your now full of looming mountains.
      Anita Ojeda recently posted…WaitMy Profile

  • This morning I read about waiting on God. And to have hope because “waiting isn’t wasting.” In the waiting, God is acting. I am living in a state of waiting these days. Waiting to move. Waiting for my husband’s addiction to be healed. Waiting for our puppy to come to our home… Some are scary things to wait for, some are intrinsically hopeful. But to have hope no matter the circumstances is the hope and peace God gives. Beyond comprehension. I’m grateful for that, now.

    Thank you for your story.

    • Oh, I love that thought–that ‘waiting isn’t wasting’. I confuse the two a lot, but I’m learning to have patience in the wait and do tasks at hand while I wait. Thanks for stopping by!
      Anita Ojeda recently posted…WaitMy Profile

  • Waiting – and trusting that what is meant to happen will happen – can be the hardest thing. There are some actions we can take to help, but ultimately – Nature and the Divine will direct life the way it’s meant to go… and we are forced to learn to be patient and wait.

    Great post (and btw… Bozeman? Had to smile there… I’m originally from Billings, MT).
    Melissa recently posted…31 Days: A poll…help me decide!My Profile

    • Thank you, Melissa :). I love Montana and miss it dreadfully (I’m in AZ now). But I’m learning that God’s plan for me (whether in MT or AZ or anywhere in between) is what’s best for me as long as I’m patiently doing what he wants me to do.
      Anita Ojeda recently posted…WaitMy Profile

  • The idea of waiting in hope reminds me of one of the prayers that the priest prays during the Liturgy of the Eucharist part of the Mass. It is a prayer he prays just after the entire assembly has prayed the Lord’s Prayer together: “Deliver us, Lord, we pray, from every evil. Graciously grant peace in our days, that, by the help of Your mercy, we may be always free from sin and safe from all distress, as we await the blessed hope and the coming of Our Saviour, Jesus Christ.” It has always been one of my favourite prayers of the Mass because it is a reminder of so many things, but especially that our hope is in Christ. Thank you for this beautiful reminder! God bless you!

    • That’s a beautiful prayer. Thank you for sharing it.
      Anita Ojeda recently posted…WaitMy Profile

  • I spent so many days waiting in hope….but God’s plan wasn’t my plan. And now I just have to wait (in hope) that I will rejoice in that plan one day….loving your story
    paula recently posted…You’ve Done Some of These…Haven’t You?My Profile

    • I’m so sorry for your loss, Paula. I’m glad that you can wait in hope, safe in your Father’s arms of comfort.
      Anita Ojeda recently posted…WaitMy Profile

  • Waiting is hard and in your case even harder when you are separated. I spent my share of time separated from my husband because he is in the military and I used to be, but we were just separated. You were separated while he was recovering, so hard.
    Amanda recently posted…HonorMy Profile

    • Thank you both for your service to our country. Being a military spouse must be so difficult–it’s a different kind of waiting, to be sure, but waiting nonetheless–and the promise is for you, too!

  • Waiting is always hard but waiting with hope-oh my! Those periods in my life that I have had to wait have been the hardest to endure. What joy there is to know that God is right beside us in the waiting, in the uncertainty and in the hope for better things to come. I’ve told you before but I love this series.
    Mary Geisen recently posted…Oprah’s Courage or God’s?… {I will follow}My Profile

    • Amen to the joy! And thank you of your kind words of encouragement, Mary :).

  • This –> “Hope acted as the thread that tethered my scattered thoughts and fears and kept me sane during those days of waiting.” I am not a good waiter. But God has taught me over the years that when I wait on Him, He is truly acting in my best interests! Thanks for linking up to Testimony Tuesday.
    Holly Barrett recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Day 21: It will be fruitfulMy Profile

    • Waiting IS the hardest thing, isn’t it?! The older I get, the more I understand that it’s a good thing some times. Even if I don’t like it.

  • Waiting has always been the hardest part in almost anything important. May God grant you more strength and faith in your waiting. I have read a poem about waiting. Although it’s for a woman who have been impatiently waiting to get pregnant, the message is just beautiful. Allow me to share it with you.

    http://baredmysoul.blogspot.com/2013/09/a-poem-about-waiting.html

    • Thank you for sharing the poem, Lux. We are no longer waiting for my husband–his transplant was successful and he’s been in remission for 11 years now, we ARE waiting for something else. So your prayers are appreciated :).

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