What to do When the Chaplain Visits

Or, Advice to Chaplains for Visiting the Ill

chaplain
Laughter on the Cancer Ward?

Our laughter and snorting could be heard in the hall—I’m sure of it. Even with the door closed. Transplant Day loomed on the horizon. Pedro’s remission and recovery marveled the doctors daily. We sat on chairs in front of the narrow table, just feet from his tether-like IV pole gazing at the computer screen.

Marisa Tomei and Joe Pesci argued on screen while Pedro and I laughed over their relationship and our shared memories of years ago when My Cousin Vinny first came out. We had forgotten the humor, the pathos and the great acting—not to mention the raunchy sex scenes—things that didn’t bother us in our twenties but made us cringe in our thirties.

I hit the pause button like a guilty teenager and looked inquiringly up when our door opened and two women I’d never seen before slid into the room. Their white collars and somber attire proclaimed their occupation. Doubly guilty!

Unexpected Visitors

“I’m Reverend Rosa*, the chaplain,” the elder intoned. “This is my intern, Jennifer.”

Pedro, the dirty dog, answered not. “Nice to meet you,” I lied. “I’m Anita and this is- -“

“Pedro. We know.” Reverend Rosa glanced down at a thick clipboard in her hands. “He has cancer.” Sympathy oozed around her voice.

“Had.” Pedro corrected. “Stem-cell transplant tomorrow.”

“We see.” They seemed determined to be depressed for us.

Silence hung in the room like a too-big bubble ready to burst. In all of the days and weeks and months we’d been at UCSF, this was the first visit from a chaplain.

Our pastor from back home, Ron Halvorson, Jr., had flown down during one of Pedro’s worst episodes and anointed him. Pastor Ron’s wife Buffy regularly prayed with me over the phone. We weren’t shepherdless.

“Tell us, what do you do, Pedro, to keep your spirits up in difficult situations like this?”

“Watch funny movies,” Pedro quipped; our guests remained silent.

“They say laughter is the best medicine,” I babbled, wanting to fill the maw his answer had opened in the conversation.

“Indeed.”

Check Your Attitude at the Door

Their seriousness startled me. What was with these women? I glanced at Pedro and my eyes quickly skittered away. He was on the verge of uncontrollable, hilarious, unstoppable laughter. We were on the same page. Note to self—do not look at Pedro until these ladies leave.

I let the silence stretch. Pedro wanted them to leave, but neither of us was willing to help them out of the room—or the situation.

“Have you found solace for your sorrows?” Reverend Rosa’s eyes seemed to probe the room, searching for illicit items of solace. Dirty magazines? Vodka? Drugs? What was she looking for?

“Psalms.” Pedro’s pithy reply opened up another conversational crevasse. I decided to leave it at that. During Pedro’s darkest hour, Sarah found and chose Psalms 18:1-6 as something that resonated as a promise for her Papá. She had carefully copied it out and sent it to us. Pedro promptly taped the promise to his IV pole. The medical staff had put been on notice that the unseen physician was on our team.

“Pedro’s doing quite well, now, and his progress is a miracle.” I couldn’t keep my mouth closed and compulsively tossed them a gambit. Maybe we could talk about all the wonderful ways God had been with us.

“Praise God.” Jennifer intoned, reverently glancing upward.

How to Leave a Patient Feeling Refreshed (not)5 tips for #chaplains to read BEFORE they visit a sick person. http://wp.me/p2UZoK-ib

That’s it? My eyes danced past Pedro’s again, and I gave a small shrug. They weren’t exactly Pastor Bildad; I had to hope they were well-meaning. But the movie called, and the conversation had sat on the tracks long enough.

“It was nice meeting you guys.” I stood and glanced at my watch. The situation called for preventative prevarication. “This is Pedro’s normal nap time.”

Pedro took my cue and made moves to stand. I took a good look at him, and tried to see him through chaplains’ eyes. White male, 35-years-old, 6 foot 2, 140 pounds (up from 135), no hair, face partially paralyzed, eyes bulging out under concave brows, port with four lines sprouting from neck—ok, so his looks belied his condition.

“May we pray?” Reverend Rosa queried.

“Absolutely.” I assented, compassion tingeing my voice. Pedro nodded. We all bowed our heads and the chaplain said a prayer.

I walked to the door behind them, struggling to hold in my mirth, feeling holy and unholy at the same time. Before I shut the door, I waited until they had turned the corner, on to their next mission of mercy.

Looking at Pedro, the laughter burst forth. Deep, delirious, healing: holy.

Our advice to clergy who visit the seriously ill?

1.  Develop a relationship–or at least get to know who you’re visiting before you enter the room.  Anyone on Eleven Long could have told the chaplain that Pedro was in good spirits and on the mend.

2.  Don’t have your own timeline.  If it looks like the patient is busy, make sure to ask, “Is now a good time for a short visit?”

3.  Don’t have your own agenda.  Listen for clues from the patient and the family as to what they’d like to talk about.

4.  Reach out regularly.  The chaplain at Bozeman Deaconess Hospital left kind and encouraging notes if she happened to stop by when Pedro was out of the room.

5. Remember that Jesus came alongside people in pain–think about what this would look like in each situation.

 

Anita currently teaches English to 7th-12th graders. She describes herself as a 'recovering cancer caregiver' who gives thanks daily that her husband has been cancer-free for ten years.

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  • I love the line about uncontrollable laughter…that’s so true! And, of course, I love that movie!!! Wonderful story. 🙂
    Laura Melchor recently posted…The Chapel CrowdMy Profile

    • Our family suffers from that, don’t we? ;). That’s a good thing!

      • Yes, we do. It’s happened to me a few times during class…to the point where the professor made a comment on it. Oh, dear! 😉
        Laura Melchor recently posted…The Chapel CrowdMy Profile

  • Sarah Ojeda

    Great story and with advice that applies to anybody visiting the ill, injured, or those with cancer! I faintly remember the verse….I just looked up the entire 18th Psalm and found where I “left off” in the note I made for Dad continues with a glorious display of God’s power as he saves the one who called for help:

    He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
    17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
    18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
    19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.
    🙂

    • It provided inspiration both than and now :).

  • Oh bless your hearts! I wish I was reading a made up story – not a real life story. You touch my heart with each post. You truly have a way with words, and it tugs at our hearts. I love that you both were laughing and in a playful, good mood! I love the advice you gave at the end of the article as well. Wise words, indeed!
    Shirley ~Light Love Hope recently posted…An Opportunity For College StudentsMy Profile

    • Thanks, Shirley! We have to laugh find the humor in life, or it might just depress us ;). This wasn’t the only time we got to laughing so hard we probably caused a disturbance.

  • I am SO right there with you. Sometimes that serious and formal kind of faith (especially from strangers and unsolicited) raises my hackles in a way that I get saucy. And naughty. So, yeah. I might have said something horribly inappropriate. Thanks for sharing the story and LOVE the tips!
    Kirsten Oliphant recently posted…Cheesy Pretzel DogsMy Profile

    • I DO have a hard time keeping my lips sealed ;). Ministry is all about relationship–not rules and regulations ;).

  • There are raunchy sex scenes in My Cousin Vinny?

    Also, I find chaplain visits in the hospital incredibly awkward. I mean, I just had a baby here, and you wouldn’t believe all the fluids that are leaking out of every part of my body, and now you, strange old dude who just wandered into my room, want to ask me about whether I know where I’m going after I die? So strange. So awkward.

    Your post made me laugh.

    • Oh, my! YOU make me laugh! (fluids leaking out of every part of my body…). I didn’t realize childbirth put a person with one foot in the grave, the other on a banana peel!

  • Thanks for sharing this. I may be in Reverend Rosa’s boat in a few years (visiting the sick as clergy), and I think sometimes in difficult situations my instinct is to be a little more serious just to let folks know it’s okay to let their guard down, if they want to talk or be upset. BUT as you say, certainly that has to come out of a relationship rather than a drive-by prayer situation! It’s good to hear that sometime humor is good medicine!
    Katie recently posted…Early spring and the seeds of hopeMy Profile

    • Thanks, Katie! I think the best clergy are the ones who make friends, not followers ;). I’m sure you’ll be wonderful, since you already understand the value of relationship rather than ‘drive-by prayer’ dispensers!

  • “The two yoots.” <–Classic!!! I know we'd get along if you both love MCV and aren't afraid to laugh in the face of supposedly somber times. 🙂

    This was written so well. "They seemed determined to be depressed for us." stuck out for me, as it's SO awful when people don't seem to possess enough wherewithall to diagnose the true vibe of a situation. Lovely post!
    Peach recently posted…Broke-Ass Bride – Real Bride Post: Bridal FailureMy Profile

    • Thanks, Peach :). I’m sure we would get along great, too! If we can’t laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?

  • Amy

    I could tell you some hysterical stories from when my husband did hospital visitations as a pastor. We were on the receiving end one time when our youngest had to be admitted for a serious household accident. My husband was a pastor at the time, and it was still awkward for us being visited by a stranger. He was kind, but it still seemed weird, and made us fearful of how bad our situation really was. GREAT advice.
    Amy recently posted…Avoidance at Its FinestMy Profile

    • I’d love to hear your stories some time, Amy! it’s not an easy job, that’s for sure! My favorite chaplain left encouraging notes and prayed for us with her prayer group and was always cheerful. She wasn’t concerned with somber end-of-life questions–she was concerned with how we were doing day to day (and because of her friendship, we wouldn’t have had any problem talking about more serious things).

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